Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Funny Tweets on Life

  1. Life would probably be easier if I were atleast good at things
  2. Why do they call it a happy meal if it tastes like a whole lot like depression.
  3. Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone! I used one to breakup Nickelback! You're welcome!
  4. All you need is love and Valentine's Day is the perfect time to buy lots of things to prove it.
  5. I'm being forced to attend a scrap-book party. On the positive side I have always wanted my suicide to be well documented on acid-free paper.
  6. It's really very simple; I will love you unconditionally as long as you just do everything I say.
  7. So, who is the genius that thought it would be wise to put the back-pain meds on the bottom shelf at Walmart?
  8. "Let there be coffee!"... and there was coffee.... And coworkers saw that coffee was good... and drank it all, the bastards!
  9. I'm shocked by the embarrassing things people e-mail their whole department when they leave their workstation unlocked.
  10. When playing "Got your nose," make sure the victim is 1) willing to play, 2) that you're not at a urinal and 3) that it's their nose.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Random Funny Tweets

  1. I'm not falling again for the 5-year-old's "eat some spaghetti" trick. It's always Play-Doh. But this fried egg looks delicious. Oh, damn.
  2. I have serious ethical problems participating in human cloning experiments.. I just couldn't live with myself.
  3. Oh, this is my step ladder. My...my real ladder left when I was only 5.
  4. I'm watching "The Sound of Music" on TV. For those of you who have never seen it, it's a musical adaptation of how boring my life is.
  5. It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your nephew's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.
  6. I may be a little off base here, but I don't think the point of those personal breathalyzers is trying to beat your old score.
  7. I put the "ass" in passive aggressive. But you'd know that if you ever bothered to pay attention.
  8. I put the "sex" in dylsexic.
  9. Someday I'll sit down with my grandchildren to watch Airplane and they'll say, "Man, I can't believe they used to let people on planes."
  10. For years she's fed the kids tales about Santa but after I trick them into eating dog treats, I'm the bad parent for betraying their trust.
  11. It takes a big man to admit that his little sister outdrank him last night, so what I'm saying is, I'm really manly.
  12. Playing naked Twister by yourself is no fun...nor was it worth getting oiled up for.
  13. Today I learned two valuable lessons: 1) Petting an animal can lower your heart rate. 2) That animal should not be a wolverine.
  14. "Son, getting $100 for Christmas doesn't make you "rich", but if snorting powdered sugar off Barbie's ass makes you feel rich, as you were."
  15. Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.
  16. And suddenly it's weird to sit on a stranger's lap and ask for free stuff?
  17. I hope that one day I will be mature enough to spell extravaganza without giggling after the first 8 letters.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Bizarre and Funny Tweets

  1. Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars
  2. It's high time we change the name of the Indian Ocean to Native American Ocean.
  3. "Tiger ready to quit golf to save his marriage" - I'm no therapist but I am pretty sure quitting other women would be even more effective.
  4. It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more vodka.
  5. Excuse me Ma'am, would you like me to taze your shrieking child for you?
  6. I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with body image issues.
  7. Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing that you're smarter than somebody feels pretty good, too.
  8. Shoveling would be much more satisfying if the snow could feel it.
  9. The beauty of this viral campaign will become apparent when one of Tiger's mistresses appears in Playboy with a Nike tattoo on her butt.
  10. So, this 'One Laptop Per Child' thing. Where do I drop off the child and where do I pick up the laptop?

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Strange but Funny Tweets

  1. I like my women the same way I like my coffee: Ground up and stored in the freezer. I MEAN HOT AND STRONG OR SOMETHING.
  2. China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch.
  3. Miss England has given up her crown after getting into a bar fight. I think this automatically makes her
  4. Wow, my neighbors get horrible cell reception under their bed
  5. Obama says he doesn't tweet because his thumbs are too clumsy. Which is a polite way of saying he has a real job.
  6. We hate what we do not understand. I'm not really sure what that phrase means, but it's stupid!
  7. I hope Lady Gaga donates her old costumes to homeless shelters. Because that would be hilarious.
  8. Parenting Tip: The new Twilight movie provides an excellent two-hour window for reading your daughter's journal.
  9. Marching bands are actually homeless orchestras. Tragic, really.
  10. A Florida woman gave birth to a baby 9 days early at 9:09 in the morning on 9-9-09. But, get this, 8 lbs. 4 oz. LAME.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Funny Observation Tweets

  1. Now that I know there's water on the moon, your natural spring water from the Swiss Alps bores me.
  2. Nigeria wants an apology for District 9? Okay, Nigeria, we have a huge apology for you. For transfer, simply wire a small advance fee.
  3. 14.9 million Americans are now unemployed. That's a lot of new blogs.
  4. Japan's new first lady says aliens once took her to Venus. I'm just amazed aliens also call it Venus. Boy, we nailed that one.
  5. I hopped out of bed this morning like Fred Astaire. Or anyone else, really, who has been dead for 20 years.
  6. Half of the appeal of staying up late is the total absence of morning people.
  7. A conference call is like a bus ride. I want it to end as quickly as possible, preferably with nobody talking to me.
  8. With professor Gates off to have a beer with Obama, now would be the perfect time to break into his house.
  9. I had this really kinky girlfriend once; finally I just had to tell him it was time we started peeing on other people.
  10. First Rule of Turkey Club: Bacon, lettuce and tomato