Thursday, October 14, 2010

Bizarre Funny Tweets

Justin Bieber...
  1. Look at your tweet, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped tweeting about other things, yours could be like mine.
  2. says when life brings ya down, get up, punch it in the face, and yell “I’m Chuck Norris!!”
  3. I think the best thing about always wearing a clean pair of underwear is you're never really out of coffee filters.
  4. You wouldn't think any of my tweets were funny if you knew how many pedestrians I injured while writing them.
  5. remember everyone has a hot cousin...  Find yours now at
  6. If I were God for a day, I'd make Abe Vigoda adopt Dakota Fanning and then laugh at the resulting name. And then go to a strip club.
  7. Clowns aren't scary. One has been staring at me from the cemetery next door, but I can't stop giggling at the balloon chainsaw he's making.
  8. Say what you will about Starbucks, but I like having a place to go where I can be certain I'm not the most pretentious person in the room.
  9. I bet childhood obesity rates in Hidden Valley are completely off the charts.
  10. In our house it really should be called a cooking detector.
  11. Dress to make a statement! For example, a sports jacket & t-shirt says "I'm a hobo who found this jacket in a dumpster."

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Odd Funny Tweets

  1. Had to child-proof the liquor cabinet this weekend because my god is our baby a mean drunk.
  2. Big weekend coming up!  My Star Trek club is going to dress as Klingons and ambush some loser Civil War re-enactors.
  3. Dear Brain Storming Session facilitator, there IS "such a thing" as a bad idea and inviting me was the first one.
  4. Why is there braille on drive-through ATMs.
  5. BP has contained the oil spill.... to just a single planet.
  6. You have no idea how hard it is to find three legged skinny jeans.
  7. Sure, dinner was delicious, but now I can't get the image of what a skinless, boneless chicken would look like.
  8. I've been doing a lot of plumbing around the house the last few days. Not that anything needed fixing.
    I just like exposing my ass crack.
  9. Dogs in cartoons do a lot more hindleg walking than dogs in real life.
  10. Sitting on my balcony and shouting out phrases like "I smell cat!" and "I have a carrot in my butt!". I like to keep the neighbors confused.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Assorted Funny Tweets


  1. I'd like to know the series of events leading up to the first guy discovering cows had milk in them
  2. My old English teacher has 26 followers on Twitter. Karma's a bitch, sucka.
  3. If using multiple adjectives, put them in increasing order of awesomeness: "the blue, Italian, rocket-propelled, monkey-piloted dirtbike."
  4. I can't yell "Get a room!" at couples frenching. Instead, I opt for, "Close your curtains!" or, "Make this trellis harder to climb!"
  5. My favorite words to use during conference calls: saturated, penetrating, hot button, probing and fellatio.
  6. I'm sending a tweet from inside Twitter HQ. I'll bet those hot girls in high school wish they had slept with me now.
  7. My wife leaves for girls' night. I go upstairs and put the toilet seat up. Just to remember I can. Then I put it down. I'm not an idiot.
  8. If you think writing in the proper tense is difficult now, just wait until time travel was possible.
  9. When a friend from out of town says, "I'm coming out." Make sure they're finished with their sentence before you say, "I knew you were gay."
  10. A crazy woman tried to chase down my car as I left the mall. Maybe it was the previous owner. She looked a lot like the baby in the backseat
  11. I told you officer, I cut the ass out of the gorilla suit because they don't sell baboon costumes....I don't know who crapped on your car.
  12. No. I do. I think your baby is adorable. I'm just concerned about what might happen if you get it wet or let it eat after midnight.
  13. Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back.
  14. Sometimes for laughs, I slip condoms into the carts of little old ladies at the grocery store and then watch for the checker's reaction.
  15. When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people.
  16. There are very, very few things it's OK to say to someone at the next urinal. "You must take vitamins" is not one of them.
  17. Check it out! I'm texting while bicycli%#*