- Look at your tweet, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped tweeting about other things, yours could be like mine.
- says when life brings ya down, get up, punch it in the face, and yell “I’m Chuck Norris!!”
- I think the best thing about always wearing a clean pair of underwear is you're never really out of coffee filters.
- You wouldn't think any of my tweets were funny if you knew how many pedestrians I injured while writing them.
- remember everyone has a hot cousin... Find yours now at ancestry.com
- If I were God for a day, I'd make Abe Vigoda adopt Dakota Fanning and then laugh at the resulting name. And then go to a strip club.
- Clowns aren't scary. One has been staring at me from the cemetery next door, but I can't stop giggling at the balloon chainsaw he's making.
- Say what you will about Starbucks, but I like having a place to go where I can be certain I'm not the most pretentious person in the room.
- I bet childhood obesity rates in Hidden Valley are completely off the charts.
- In our house it really should be called a cooking detector.
- Dress to make a statement! For example, a sports jacket & t-shirt says "I'm a hobo who found this jacket in a dumpster."
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
- Had to child-proof the liquor cabinet this weekend because my god is our baby a mean drunk.
- Big weekend coming up! My Star Trek club is going to dress as Klingons and ambush some loser Civil War re-enactors.
- Dear Brain Storming Session facilitator, there IS "such a thing" as a bad idea and inviting me was the first one.
- Why is there braille on drive-through ATMs.
- BP has contained the oil spill.... to just a single planet.
- You have no idea how hard it is to find three legged skinny jeans.
- Sure, dinner was delicious, but now I can't get the image of what a skinless, boneless chicken would look like.
- I've been doing a lot of plumbing around the house the last few days. Not that anything needed fixing.
I just like exposing my ass crack.
- Dogs in cartoons do a lot more hindleg walking than dogs in real life.
- Sitting on my balcony and shouting out phrases like "I smell cat!" and "I have a carrot in my butt!". I like to keep the neighbors confused.
Friday, October 1, 2010
- I'd like to know the series of events leading up to the first guy discovering cows had milk in them
- My old English teacher has 26 followers on Twitter. Karma's a bitch, sucka.
- If using multiple adjectives, put them in increasing order of awesomeness: "the blue, Italian, rocket-propelled, monkey-piloted dirtbike."
- I can't yell "Get a room!" at couples frenching. Instead, I opt for, "Close your curtains!" or, "Make this trellis harder to climb!"
- My favorite words to use during conference calls: saturated, penetrating, hot button, probing and fellatio.
- I'm sending a tweet from inside Twitter HQ. I'll bet those hot girls in high school wish they had slept with me now.
- My wife leaves for girls' night. I go upstairs and put the toilet seat up. Just to remember I can. Then I put it down. I'm not an idiot.
- If you think writing in the proper tense is difficult now, just wait until time travel was possible.
- When a friend from out of town says, "I'm coming out." Make sure they're finished with their sentence before you say, "I knew you were gay."
- A crazy woman tried to chase down my car as I left the mall. Maybe it was the previous owner. She looked a lot like the baby in the backseat
- I told you officer, I cut the ass out of the gorilla suit because they don't sell baboon costumes....I don't know who crapped on your car.
- No. I do. I think your baby is adorable. I'm just concerned about what might happen if you get it wet or let it eat after midnight.
- Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back.
- Sometimes for laughs, I slip condoms into the carts of little old ladies at the grocery store and then watch for the checker's reaction.
- When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people.
- There are very, very few things it's OK to say to someone at the next urinal. "You must take vitamins" is not one of them.
- Check it out! I'm texting while bicycli%#*