Saturday, November 13, 2010

131 Funny and Strange Tweets Seen on Twitter Status Updates

Tweety Bird
    1. I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.
    2. If you don't stack the plates so the patterns on them align, then how do you make the tormenting, screaming demons in your head go away?
    3. To Do: Paint house door with lamb's blood so the Easter bat won't fly in and eat the Jesus eggs.
    4. He's snoring so loud I can barely hear myself plotting his death.
    5. I'm just a regular guy, putting on my Capri pants 3/4 leg at a time.
    6. "I don't even own a TV" no longer impresses me. Talk to me when you've transcended the toilet.
    7. Despite what everyone says, I don't think your mom is a "dirty pirate whore". She's actually quite clean for a pirate whore.
    8. How much money would it take to buy the song Fireflies and lock it up, never to be heard again? Because that's how much I want.
    9. How is English not considered a Romantic language? "Boobs"? Helloooooo?
    10. Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger.
    11. is reading other statuses but your status is important to him. Please stay online and your status will be read in priority sequence. Approximate wait time 17 min
    12. is very very very slee
    13. is right BEHIND YOU! Boo!
    14. is going around the house and renaming things so they all start with an "i" before Apple does it... such as his iToaster, his iToilet, and his iKids and iWife.all set...
    15. Beer, Golf Clubs, Fising Rods, Tackle, shades, Tunes... Casual Fridays here I come!
    16. is the guy who put the laughter in manslaughter
    17. is to sexy for this status
    18. is bringing sexy back... to the store for a refund!
    19. is hip to your jive talk
    20. is dy-no-mite
    21. is wondering what will happen if he touches the red wire with the green wir#*&GB
    22. put the FUN in dysfunctional
    23. is an undercover cop
    24. is calculating pi
    25. is America's next top model!
    26. is updating his Twitter status
    27. Sometimes I just wish I had more asses to tell people to kiss.
    28. Lord: We're grateful that our families haven't found us on Twitter & that donkeys can't talk. That'd be embarrassing for many of us. Amen.
    29. Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it f#%#$ you.
    30. Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.
    31. Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again.
    32. Don't you hate it when time travelers from the future want a photo with you but then refuse to say why they're laughing?
    33. My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
    34. Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets.
    35. It's Canada Day Eve, so I have to leave a jar of maple syrup at the window. Otherwise, CĂ©line Dion comes in the night and eats your eyes.
    36. I would watch a show called "So You Think You Can Dance When You're Drunk.
    37. Now that I know there's water on the moon, your natural spring water from the Swiss Alps bores me.
    38. Nigeria wants an apology for District 9? Okay, Nigeria, we have a huge apology for you. For transfer, simply wire a small advance fee.
    39. 14.9 million Americans are now unemployed. That's a lot of new blogs.
    40. Japan's new first lady says aliens once took her to Venus. I'm just amazed aliens also call it Venus. Boy, we nailed that one.
    41. I hopped out of bed this morning like Fred Astaire. Or anyone else, really, who has been dead for 20 years.
    42. Half of the appeal of staying up late is the total absence of morning people.
    43. A conference call is like a bus ride. I want it to end as quickly as possible, preferably with nobody talking to me.
    44. With professor Gates off to have a beer with Obama, now would be the perfect time to break into his house.
    45. I had this really kinky girlfriend once; finally I just had to tell him it was time we started peeing on other people.
    46. First Rule of Turkey Club: Bacon, lettuce and tomato
    47. I like my women the same way I like my coffee: Ground up and stored in the freezer. I MEAN HOT AND STRONG OR SOMETHING.
    48. China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch.
    49. Miss England has given up her crown after getting into a bar fight. I think this automatically makes her
    50. Wow, my neighbors get horrible cell reception under their bed
    51. Obama says he doesn't tweet because his thumbs are too clumsy. Which is a polite way of saying he has a real job.
    52. We hate what we do not understand. I'm not really sure what that phrase means, but it's stupid!
    53. I hope Lady Gaga donates her old costumes to homeless shelters. Because that would be hilarious.
    54. Parenting Tip: The new Twilight movie provides an excellent two-hour window for reading your daughter's journal.
    55. Marching bands are actually homeless orchestras. Tragic, really.
    56. A Florida woman gave birth to a baby 9 days early at 9:09 in the morning on 9-9-09. But, get this, 8 lbs. 4 oz. LAME.
    57. Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars
    58. It's high time we change the name of the Indian Ocean to Native American Ocean.
    59. "Tiger ready to quit golf to save his marriage" - I'm no therapist but I am pretty sure quitting other women would be even more effective.
    60. It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more vodka.
    61. Excuse me Ma'am, would you like me to taze your shrieking child for you?
    62. I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with body image issues.
    63. Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing that you're smarter than somebody feels pretty good, too.
    64. Shoveling would be much more satisfying if the snow could feel it.
    65. The beauty of this viral campaign will become apparent when one of Tiger's mistresses appears in Playboy with a Nike tattoo on her butt.
    66. So, this 'One Laptop Per Child' thing. Where do I drop off the child and where do I pick up the laptop?
    67. I'm not falling again for the 5-year-old's "eat some spaghetti" trick. It's always Play-Doh. But this fried egg looks delicious. Oh, damn.
    68. I have serious ethical problems participating in human cloning experiments.. I just couldn't live with myself.
    69. Oh, this is my step ladder. real ladder left when I was only 5.
    70. I'm watching "The Sound of Music" on TV. For those of you who have never seen it, it's a musical adaptation of how boring my life is.
    71. It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your nephew's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.
    72. I may be a little off base here, but I don't think the point of those personal breathalyzers is trying to beat your old score.
    73. I put the "ass" in passive aggressive. But you'd know that if you ever bothered to pay attention.
    74. I put the "sex" in dylsexic.
    75. Someday I'll sit down with my grandchildren to watch Airplane and they'll say, "Man, I can't believe they used to let people on planes."
    76. For years she's fed the kids tales about Santa but after I trick them into eating dog treats, I'm the bad parent for betraying their trust.
    77. It takes a big man to admit that his little sister outdrank him last night, so what I'm saying is, I'm really manly.
    78. Playing naked Twister by yourself is no fun...nor was it worth getting oiled up for.
    79. Today I learned two valuable lessons: 1) Petting an animal can lower your heart rate. 2) That animal should not be a wolverine.
    80. "Son, getting $100 for Christmas doesn't make you "rich", but if snorting powdered sugar off Barbie's ass makes you feel rich, as you were."
    81. Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.
    82. And suddenly it's weird to sit on a stranger's lap and ask for free stuff?
    83. I hope that one day I will be mature enough to spell extravaganza without giggling after the first 8 letters.
    84. Life would probably be easier if I were atleast good at things
    85. Why do they call it a happy meal if it tastes like a whole lot like depression.
    86. Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone! I used one to breakup Nickelback! You're welcome!
    87. All you need is love and Valentine's Day is the perfect time to buy lots of things to prove it.
    88. I'm being forced to attend a scrap-book party. On the positive side I have always wanted my suicide to be well documented on acid-free paper.
    89. It's really very simple; I will love you unconditionally as long as you just do everything I say.
    90. So, who is the genius that thought it would be wise to put the back-pain meds on the bottom shelf at Walmart?
    91. "Let there be coffee!"... and there was coffee.... And coworkers saw that coffee was good... and drank it all, the bastards!
    92. I'm shocked by the embarrassing things people e-mail their whole department when they leave their workstation unlocked.
    93. When playing "Got your nose," make sure the victim is 1) willing to play, 2) that you're not at a urinal and 3) that it's their nose.
    94. I'd like to know the series of events leading up to the first guy discovering cows had milk in them
    95. My old English teacher has 26 followers on Twitter. Karma's a bitch, sucka.
    96. If using multiple adjectives, put them in increasing order of awesomeness: "the blue, Italian, rocket-propelled, monkey-piloted dirtbike."
    97. I can't yell "Get a room!" at couples frenching. Instead, I opt for, "Close your curtains!" or, "Make this trellis harder to climb!"
    98. My favorite words to use during conference calls: saturated, penetrating, hot button, probing and fellatio.
    99. I'm sending a tweet from inside Twitter HQ. I'll bet those hot girls in high school wish they had slept with me now.
    100. My wife leaves for girls' night. I go upstairs and put the toilet seat up. Just to remember I can. Then I put it down. I'm not an idiot.
    101. If you think writing in the proper tense is difficult now, just wait until time travel was possible.
    102. When a friend from out of town says, "I'm coming out." Make sure they're finished with their sentence before you say, "I knew you were gay."
    103. A crazy woman tried to chase down my car as I left the mall. Maybe it was the previous owner. She looked a lot like the baby in the backseat
    104. I told you officer, I cut the ass out of the gorilla suit because they don't sell baboon costumes....I don't know who crapped on your car.
    105. No. I do. I think your baby is adorable. I'm just concerned about what might happen if you get it wet or let it eat after midnight.
    106. Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back.
    107. Sometimes for laughs, I slip condoms into the carts of little old ladies at the grocery store and then watch for the checker's reaction.
    108. When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people.
    109. There are very, very few things it's OK to say to someone at the next urinal. "You must take vitamins" is not one of them.
    110. Check it out! I'm texting while bicycli%#*
    111. Had to child-proof the liquor cabinet this weekend because my god is our baby a mean drunk.
    112. Big weekend coming up!  My Star Trek club is going to dress as Klingons and ambush some loser Civil War re-enactors.
    113. Dear Brain Storming Session facilitator, there IS "such a thing" as a bad idea and inviting me was the first one.
    114. Why is there braille on drive-through ATMs.
    115. BP has contained the oil spill.... to just a single planet.
    116. You have no idea how hard it is to find three legged skinny jeans.
    117. Sure, dinner was delicious, but now I can't get the image of what a skinless, boneless chicken would look like.
    118. I've been doing a lot of plumbing around the house the last few days. Not that anything needed fixing.
      I just like exposing my ass crack.
    119. Dogs in cartoons do a lot more hindleg walking than dogs in real life.
    120. Sitting on my balcony and shouting out phrases like "I smell cat!" and "I have a carrot in my butt!". I like to keep the neighbors confused.
    121. Look at your tweet, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped tweeting about other things, yours could be like mine.
    122. says when life brings ya down, get up, punch it in the face, and yell “I’m Chuck Norris!!”
    123. I think the best thing about always wearing a clean pair of underwear is you're never really out of coffee filters.
    124. You wouldn't think any of my tweets were funny if you knew how many pedestrians I injured while writing them.
    125. remember everyone has a hot cousin...  Find yours now at
    126. If I were God for a day, I'd make Abe Vigoda adopt Dakota Fanning and then laugh at the resulting name. And then go to a strip club.
    127. Clowns aren't scary. One has been staring at me from the cemetery next door, but I can't stop giggling at the balloon chainsaw he's making.
    128. Say what you will about Starbucks, but I like having a place to go where I can be certain I'm not the most pretentious person in the room.
    129. I bet childhood obesity rates in Hidden Valley are completely off the charts.
    130. In our house it really should be called a cooking detector.
    131. Dress to make a statement! For example, a sports jacket & t-shirt says "I'm a hobo who found this jacket in a dumpster."