- of any of my status updates have made even one person's day better, then there's something seriously wrong with that person.
- Most people don't stop and consider my feelings when I'm insulting them
- The one thing I've never understood about calculus is how to do it
- Sometimes I find it helpful to ask myself: "What would a competent person do in my situation?"
- A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking. A wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed
- thanks to my workout ethic this year, I got a trophy. No, wait... I mean "atrophy."
- Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
- I just read something so funny it made me spit coffee out my nose, which is odd because I wasn't drinking coffee at the time
- I don't need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
- 3 things I hate: stupid people and math
