- Apparently cluelessness is a sign of stupidity. I had no idea
- gets disappointed every time I'm in the bank and it doesn't get robbed because I'd love to talk about that in my Facebook Status update
- Bigfoot must have the hardest time picking out his Facebook profile picture. all of his pictures are always blurry!
- Every time a bird poops on my car... I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of
- Just once, somebody needs to roundhouse kick the person who does the 1$ bigger bid on The Price Is Right!
- To the guy who named cotton candy: Yes! It looks just like it sounds. To the guy who named Milk Duds: What the heck is wrong with you?
- according to maxipad commercials, all women are full of winshield washer fluid
- So what if I can't spell armaggedon?..... It's not the end of the world. .....
- filled up an empty jar of mayo with vanilla pudding and eating it in public
- is going to teach her parrot to say, "HELP!!! I've been turned into a parrot!"
Monday, October 1, 2012
Saturday, September 1, 2012
- of any of my status updates have made even one person's day better, then there's something seriously wrong with that person.
- Most people don't stop and consider my feelings when I'm insulting them
- The one thing I've never understood about calculus is how to do it
- Sometimes I find it helpful to ask myself: "What would a competent person do in my situation?"
- A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking. A wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed
- thanks to my workout ethic this year, I got a trophy. No, wait... I mean "atrophy."
- Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
- I just read something so funny it made me spit coffee out my nose, which is odd because I wasn't drinking coffee at the time
- I don't need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
- 3 things I hate: stupid people and math
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
- when two's company, three's the result..
- I was concerned that my goldfish was epileptic, so I took it to the Vet. "Looks fine to me" they said. I said "But you haven't taken it out of the water yet!"
- Scientists confirm diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.
- My laziness is becoming such a issue that I can't even be bothered hanging my clothes on my treadmill anymore
- Spent the whole day yesterday checking items off my task list.In retrospect, I probably should have used that time to complete tasks
- Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred..
- If you can listen to Phil Collins "In the air tonight" and not play the air drums, then you, my friend, have no soul!
- The people who invented the Internet never would have gotten around to doing it if they'd had the Internet
- what number confuses stupid people the most? 82
- Father's Day is just like Mother's Day, only cheaper!!