Justin Bieber...
- Look at your tweet, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped tweeting about other things, yours could be like mine.
- says when life brings ya down, get up, punch it in the face, and yell “I’m Chuck Norris!!”
- I think the best thing about always wearing a clean pair of underwear is you're never really out of coffee filters.
- You wouldn't think any of my tweets were funny if you knew how many pedestrians I injured while writing them.
- remember everyone has a hot cousin... Find yours now at ancestry.com
- If I were God for a day, I'd make Abe Vigoda adopt Dakota Fanning and then laugh at the resulting name. And then go to a strip club.
- Clowns aren't scary. One has been staring at me from the cemetery next door, but I can't stop giggling at the balloon chainsaw he's making.
- Say what you will about Starbucks, but I like having a place to go where I can be certain I'm not the most pretentious person in the room.
- I bet childhood obesity rates in Hidden Valley are completely off the charts.
- In our house it really should be called a cooking detector.
- Dress to make a statement! For example, a sports jacket & t-shirt says "I'm a hobo who found this jacket in a dumpster."
Tweet
- Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars
- It's high time we change the name of the Indian Ocean to Native American Ocean.
- "Tiger ready to quit golf to save his marriage" - I'm no therapist but I am pretty sure quitting other women would be even more effective.
- It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more vodka.
- Excuse me Ma'am, would you like me to taze your shrieking child for you?
- I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with body image issues.
- Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing that you're smarter than somebody feels pretty good, too.
- Shoveling would be much more satisfying if the snow could feel it.
- The beauty of this viral campaign will become apparent when one of Tiger's mistresses appears in Playboy with a Nike tattoo on her butt.
- So, this 'One Laptop Per Child' thing. Where do I drop off the child and where do I pick up the laptop?
