Saturday, August 28, 2010

Snarky Funny Tweets

  1. Sometimes I just wish I had more asses to tell people to kiss.
  2. Lord: We're grateful that our families haven't found us on Twitter & that donkeys can't talk. That'd be embarrassing for many of us. Amen.
  3. Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it f#%#$ you.
  4. Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.
  5. Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again.
  6. Don't you hate it when time travelers from the future want a photo with you but then refuse to say why they're laughing?
  7. My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
  8. Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets.
  9. It's Canada Day Eve, so I have to leave a jar of maple syrup at the window. Otherwise, CĂ©line Dion comes in the night and eats your eyes.
  10. I would watch a show called "So You Think You Can Dance When You're Drunk.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Miscellaneous Funny Tweets

  1. is reading other statuses but your status is important to him. Please stay online and your status will be read in priority sequence. Approximate wait time 17 min
  2. is very very very slee
  3. is right BEHIND YOU! Boo!
  4. is going around the house and renaming things so they all start with an "i" before Apple does it... such as his iToaster, his iToilet, and his iKids and iWife.all set...
  5. Beer, Golf Clubs, Fising Rods, Tackle, shades, Tunes... Casual Fridays here I come!
  6. is the guy who put the laughter in manslaughter
  7. is to sexy for this status
  8. is bringing sexy back... to the store for a refund!
  9. is hip to your jive talk
  10. is dy-no-mite
  11. is wondering what will happen if he touches the red wire with the green wir#*&GB
  12. put the FUN in dysfunctional
  13. is an undercover cop
  14. is calculating pi
  15. is America's next top model!
  16. is updating his Twitter status

Friday, August 20, 2010

Off-Beat Funny Tweet

  1. I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.
  2. If you don't stack the plates so the patterns on them align, then how do you make the tormenting, screaming demons in your head go away?
  3. To Do: Paint house door with lamb's blood so the Easter bat won't fly in and eat the Jesus eggs.
  4. He's snoring so loud I can barely hear myself plotting his death.
  5. I'm just a regular guy, putting on my Capri pants 3/4 leg at a time.
  6. "I don't even own a TV" no longer impresses me. Talk to me when you've transcended the toilet.
  7. Despite what everyone says, I don't think your mom is a "dirty pirate whore". She's actually quite clean for a pirate whore.
  8. How much money would it take to buy the song Fireflies and lock it up, never to be heard again? Because that's how much I want.
  9. How is English not considered a Romantic language? "Boobs"? Helloooooo?
  10. Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger.