- Apparently cluelessness is a sign of stupidity. I had no idea
- gets disappointed every time I'm in the bank and it doesn't get robbed because I'd love to talk about that in my Facebook Status update
- Bigfoot must have the hardest time picking out his Facebook profile picture. all of his pictures are always blurry!
- Every time a bird poops on my car... I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of
- Just once, somebody needs to roundhouse kick the person who does the 1$ bigger bid on The Price Is Right!
- To the guy who named cotton candy: Yes! It looks just like it sounds. To the guy who named Milk Duds: What the heck is wrong with you?
- according to maxipad commercials, all women are full of winshield washer fluid
- So what if I can't spell armaggedon?..... It's not the end of the world. .....
- filled up an empty jar of mayo with vanilla pudding and eating it in public
- is going to teach her parrot to say, "HELP!!! I've been turned into a parrot!"
Monday, October 1, 2012
Saturday, September 1, 2012
- of any of my status updates have made even one person's day better, then there's something seriously wrong with that person.
- Most people don't stop and consider my feelings when I'm insulting them
- The one thing I've never understood about calculus is how to do it
- Sometimes I find it helpful to ask myself: "What would a competent person do in my situation?"
- A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking. A wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed
- thanks to my workout ethic this year, I got a trophy. No, wait... I mean "atrophy."
- Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
- I just read something so funny it made me spit coffee out my nose, which is odd because I wasn't drinking coffee at the time
- I don't need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
- 3 things I hate: stupid people and math
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
- when two's company, three's the result..
- I was concerned that my goldfish was epileptic, so I took it to the Vet. "Looks fine to me" they said. I said "But you haven't taken it out of the water yet!"
- Scientists confirm diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.
- My laziness is becoming such a issue that I can't even be bothered hanging my clothes on my treadmill anymore
- Spent the whole day yesterday checking items off my task list.In retrospect, I probably should have used that time to complete tasks
- Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred..
- If you can listen to Phil Collins "In the air tonight" and not play the air drums, then you, my friend, have no soul!
- The people who invented the Internet never would have gotten around to doing it if they'd had the Internet
- what number confuses stupid people the most? 82
- Father's Day is just like Mother's Day, only cheaper!!
Sunday, July 1, 2012
- Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles
- Facebook: It's where you go to share your incredibly random thoughts in order to find out who is as twisted as you are
- 100% of bear attacks could have been prevented by not having yourself around where bears are at
- It's weird how no one on The Jetsons ever addresses the apocalyptic events that left only white Americans behind, living in the sky
- Can anyone tell me how to remove duct tape from the eyes without pulling off the eyebrows? Asking for a friend.
- OK, think of a number. Add 7 to it. Divide it by 2. Point at it. Show it a picture of your father. Go to sleep. Omelette.
- Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?..............Neither did I. I was just asking
- ~Hint to the obvious~ If a fan page or group requires you to invite all your friends on your friend list, it will not do what it promises, unless it promises to tick off your friends
- A lady's picking through the frozen turkeys and says to a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" and he says, "No, ma'am, they're dead."
- Marriage is the opportunity to inherit an additional dysfunctional family, just in case the one you have wasn't enough
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Don't disturb me.... I am already disturbed enough!
- I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them
- Facebook: a place where people announce their problems to the world but not to the person they have a problem with.
- Why can't women park cars? Because for generations, men have been telling them that 3 inches is actually six.
- At lunch time, I like to park my car on the side of the road with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars
- 70% of my life is composed of Work and 40% learning proper mathematics
- When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"
- How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. They never keep the house
- wanted to buy some goose feathers but couldn't afford the down payment.
- Fake people are just as bad as fake breasts.....Only reason they exist is to make one feel better about themselves
Saturday, March 17, 2012
- 3.14% of sailors are Pi rates.
- It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.
- You are so predictable, I bet you are reading my tweet right now!!
- Always believe a woman when she says, "You don't want to know."
- how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could Chuck Norris?
- A lot of good conversations are ruined by some idiot that actually knows what he's talking about!
- I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends
- I can't even imagine what people did at red lights before cellphones.
- Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
- old age is not so bad when you consider the alternative
- If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
- actions do not speak louder than words when you're beating a mime.