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- How to ruin the holidays in 3 words: "It's a Zune!"
- I'm at that "pay exorbitant shipping fees and hope for delivery by Christmas" or "convert to Judaism" fork in the road.
- Dad loved the holidays. He'd wear a Santa beard as a merkin, smoke some mistletoe, and watch White Christmas over and over in stony silence.
- Much like your inflatable holiday decorations, I look presentable at night but stay in a crumpled unattractive heap during the day.
- My wife just gave me the finger. It's not clear to me which of the birds in the Twelve Days of Christmas it was supposed to represent.
- 'Tis the season to pretend that I know people's names & give a damn about their kids.
- It sure takes a long time for Alka-Seltzer to dissolve in eggnog.
- I'm disappointed in you, Santa. Is that how you talk to every grown man who cries on your lap? ...I'm not happy with mall security either.
- Years later, Rudolph discovered he could shoot lasers out his nose. And that's why we lock up mutant reindeer today
- But Dad, Don't we usually visit Santa at the mall?" Times are tough son. Now get in the dumpster & sit in his lap, but try not to wake him.
- Two Christmas cards today. One from my grandma and the other from her cat. Their handwriting is suspiciously similar
- Admittedly I've never been very good at math, but I'm pretty sure that Walmart + holidays + women in mom jeans stuffed in Ugg boots = Hell.
- Is their an equivalent to mistletoe except for punching?
