Funny X-Mas Tweets

Tweet

1. How to ruin the holidays in 3 words: "It's a Zune!"
2. I'm at that "pay exorbitant shipping fees and hope for delivery by Christmas" or "convert to Judaism" fork in the road.
3. Dad loved the holidays. He'd wear a Santa beard as a merkin, smoke some mistletoe, and watch White Christmas over and over in stony silence.
4. Much like your inflatable holiday decorations, I look presentable at night but stay in a crumpled unattractive heap during the day.
5. My wife just gave me the finger. It's not clear to me which of the birds in the Twelve Days of Christmas it was supposed to represent.
6. 'Tis the season to pretend that I know people's names & give a damn about their kids.
7. It sure takes a long time for Alka-Seltzer to dissolve in eggnog.
8. I'm disappointed in you, Santa. Is that how you talk to every grown man who cries on your lap? ...I'm not happy with mall security either.
9. Years later, Rudolph discovered he could shoot lasers out his nose. And that's why we lock up mutant reindeer today
10. But Dad, Don't we usually visit Santa at the mall?" Times are tough son. Now get in the dumpster & sit in his lap, but try not to wake him.
11. Two Christmas cards today. One from my grandma and the other from her cat. Their handwriting is suspiciously similar
12. Admittedly I've never been very good at math, but I'm pretty sure that Walmart + holidays + women in mom jeans stuffed in Ugg boots = Hell.
13. Is their an equivalent to mistletoe except for punching?