The Collection of Funny Tweets: 2011

Phil Dunphy...

The first thing I always do when a cop pulls me over is remind him he can't arrest me without a warrant so he knows he's dealing with a pro
There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now.
When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be… "I left one million dollars in the...."
bet that lactose-intolerant mice get picked on a lot.
Almost went to jail today, was pretty scary!!!! Those monopoly games can get pretty intense!!
was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked. So I clicked "Add to cart."
finds it helpful to organize chores into categories: Things I won't Do Now, Things I Won't Do Later, and Things I'll Never Do
A woman's work is never done. Which is probably why they don't make as much.
In life, it seems the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group.
How do you find will smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints...
learned that pleasing everyone is too hard, but ticking everyone off is a piece of cake
Moving to Google+ after a Facebook change is like moving to Canada after an election. No-one ever actually goes through with it, and even if they did, they wouldn't have any friends when they got there!!
is sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong.
The Russian Military is saving money by using inflatable tanks as decoys. You cant tell them apart from the real thing....apart from the sign saying 'No Shoes'..
believes every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I have a problem with!!!
just painted a blue square in my yard to trick people viewing Google Earth into thinking I have a swimming pool!
will be dressing up as a ball player for the NY Mets this halloween. I figure I won't need a uniform either since at that time of the year, they are all wearing street clothes anyway
is the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I'm asleep
has transferred organic stickers from the apples & put them on the Oreo packages in the grocery store to make them healthier. Enjoy!
It is difficult to be stupid... competition is huge...
thinks animal testing is a terrible idea. they get all nervous and give the wrong answers anyway
As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point up
Always look on the bright side. For example, don't think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a beautiful monkey
Finds that most Christians treat their bible like computer software. They just scroll down the terms and conditions without reading it and click 'I agree.'
got bit by a retroactive spider instead of a radioactive one! Now I'm making tie dye webs
‎Why is it that car commercials know which old songs were good but oldies radio stations don't?
Why do local banks feel compelled to inform of us the temperature? I can't recall every thinking to myself, "Oh, it's 42 degrees, maybe I'll take out a loan."
is not being weird. I'm being me. There's a difference. A small one, but still a difference
is addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
WARNING: if you get a message from me with a link asking you to look at my tinned meat DON'T OPEN IT.. it’s SPAM
can't believe that it's the year 2012 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up
Starbucks has announced that they will start selling beer and wine in their stores. Apparently, they've run out of sober people to sell their $9.00 cups of coffee to.
Polls show that if the election were held today...an overwhelming majority of Americans would be very surprised
never understood people watching a football game wearing their team jersey. Thats like me watching CSI dressed as a dead murder victim....
The only graceful way to accept an insult is to ignore it, if you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
New entertainment: I go to a FB friend's wall that I rarely talk to and I keep going back to the oldest post I can find from them and press like. This really confuses them. Especially, if it's them just asking someone you don't know how they are
just once I want my wife to greet me at the door like the dog, jumping on me, slobbering all me all and wiggling her butt. But if she's only doing it so she can go out to pee. like the dog, I'd be devastated
never lets her children watch big band performances on TV. Too much sax and violins
Don't make fun of a fat guy with a lisp. He's probably thick and tired of it
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
95% of all Fords sold in the last 20 years are still on the road today. The other 5% actually made it home.
was going to buy a copy of 'The Power of Positive Thinking', and then I thought, what good would that do?
Very few things upset my wife. It makes me feel rather special to be one of them
truly hope that we will all be friends until we are all old and senile... Then we can be NEW friends again!!
it's ok to steal my status updates, but I just wanted to warn you that I lick each one before I post them.
is watching a special on how William wooed Kate with his cooking skills. Good for him. If I was in his position, my wooing program would probabaly only consist of . . . "you know I'm going to be king someday"
My 4 year old is going through a phase where she screams out what she is about to do before she does it. I had to explain to her that only adults on social networking sites were allowed to do that..
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are rip-offs. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
There are two kinds of secrets : one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep
some people have a way with words other people have not way
thinks that instead of reposting statuses it would be a better idea if all women with a "wonderful man" would cook him his favourite meal and dress up for his bedroom fantasies instead ;).... just saying, but the reposting thing is cool too.
Due to time constraints, your regularly scheduled status update has been postponed. Please check back later for further updates
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on facebook!!
Guys, if you really want her to stop complaining about the toilet seat being up, pee with it down a few times.
hopes when you get to heaven, they give you a photo album with all the pictures you’re in the background of
Men would cuddle more often if women smelled like bacon
Buddy of mine said, “you need to take the bull by the horns”….I told him that he should go first, and after they put the bull down for mauling him, I’d just take him with steak sauce
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
found a skull near my home today. I went to call the police, but curiosity got the better of me and I picked the skull up and wondered "Who was this person?","Where did he come from?" "How did he die?",and "Why did he have deer antlers?"
sent out a text saying "I've lost my phone, can you please call it? I got 12 calls. I need smarter friends!!
BREAKING NEWS: HURRICANE IRENE IS THE JERSEY SHORE'S WORST NATURAL DISASTER SINCE "THE JERSEY SHORE"
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
If I’m reading this correctly the Second Amendment allows me to shoot a bear, tear off his arms and keep them.
why do people keep asking dogs "whos a good boy?" My dog told me he thinks the question is patronizing.
My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face! I love Sharpie markers.
The psychiatrist gave me the good news: I am going to have a disorder named after me..
My wife isn't speaking to me. All because I didn't open the car door for her. I guess I just panicked and swam to the surface.
Did you know that most accidents occur within one mile of your home? Which is why I'm never going anywhere near your home.
Got pulled over by the cops today and he ask me if I had a police record ..... I said yes ....'every breath you take' and 'don't stand so close to me'........ Now what is my lawyer phone number
I often put laxatives in my dishwasher to help relax my bowls.
Dear Nintendo Wii, if I wanted to use my whole body to play sports, I would just play sports.
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How'd that work out for him?
When life knocks me down, instead of getting back up I usually lie there and take a nap.
Fashion tip of the day: If your thighs stop moving 30 seconds after you do, say NO to spandex.
I'm curious how many of you are Austrian. Can I have a show of Hans?
I've just bought a Dalmatian puppy. I've found out if you join all the dots together with a marker pen... it doesn't wash off.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn't a balloon.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
I don't know how anybody gets attacked by sharks... As soon as I heard that first, "Dun, Dun", I'd be out of there.
This darn Mcdonald's never has a fully stocked condiment counter. This is the last straw!
If my calculations are correct... Switching to Geico from Allstate, then transferring your policy to State Farm, only to drop them and switch to Progressive.... Auto insurance will be free!
There's no such thing as a dumb question, but there is such a thing as an inquisitive idiot.
The definition of irony: Not knowing the difference between a definition and an example.
I wonder if I’ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying “there’s one.”
If you are ever attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler!!
I just watched the dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I though to myself "Wow, dogs are easily entertained"
When I was at school, I belonged to a gang called The Secret Seven and we were sworn to secrecy. We were so good that I never found out who the other six were.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
I filed a lawsuit against Nabisco for blatant racism. I opened up a box of premium saltines and every one of them was a cracker.
They got smart phones, smart cars and all the smart stuff!! when they gonna start making smart people??
One day, long, long ago there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.
I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my monitor if I leave it idle for 10 minutes... it's my screen savior.
I think self checkout was invented by a guy who had to buy tampons
If tomatoes are a fruit, then isn't ketchup technically a smoothie?
I think it would be cool to actually see a tornado before I die, just not RIGHT before.
Reading an article that said, "spice up your love life”. One of the suggestions was to make love in a car wash. It’s also the perfect way to ruin a church fund raiser.
I had to use a payphone the other day and when I put the receiver to my ear, it was like there was jelly on it. Well that’s what it tasted like.