- Sometimes I just wish I had more asses to tell people to kiss.
- Lord: We're grateful that our families haven't found us on Twitter & that donkeys can't talk. That'd be embarrassing for many of us. Amen.
- Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it f#%#$ you.
- Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.
- Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again.
- Don't you hate it when time travelers from the future want a photo with you but then refuse to say why they're laughing?
- My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
- Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets.
- It's Canada Day Eve, so I have to leave a jar of maple syrup at the window. Otherwise, Céline Dion comes in the night and eats your eyes.
- I would watch a show called "So You Think You Can Dance When You're Drunk.
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NAME
- is reading other statuses but your status is important to him. Please stay online and your status will be read in priority sequence. Approximate wait time 17 min
- is very very very slee
- is right BEHIND YOU! Boo!
- is going around the house and renaming things so they all start with an "i" before Apple does it... such as his iToaster, his iToilet, and his iKids and iWife.all set...
- Beer, Golf Clubs, Fising Rods, Tackle, shades, Tunes... Casual Fridays here I come!
- is the guy who put the laughter in manslaughter
- is to sexy for this status
- is bringing sexy back... to the store for a refund!
- is hip to your jive talk
- is dy-no-mite
- is wondering what will happen if he touches the red wire with the green wir#*&GB
- put the FUN in dysfunctional
- is an undercover cop
- is calculating pi
- is America's next top model!
- is updating his Twitter status
Name...
- I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.
- If you don't stack the plates so the patterns on them align, then how do you make the tormenting, screaming demons in your head go away?
- To Do: Paint house door with lamb's blood so the Easter bat won't fly in and eat the Jesus eggs.
- He's snoring so loud I can barely hear myself plotting his death.
- I'm just a regular guy, putting on my Capri pants 3/4 leg at a time.
- "I don't even own a TV" no longer impresses me. Talk to me when you've transcended the toilet.
- Despite what everyone says, I don't think your mom is a "dirty pirate whore". She's actually quite clean for a pirate whore.
- How much money would it take to buy the song Fireflies and lock it up, never to be heard again? Because that's how much I want.
- How is English not considered a Romantic language? "Boobs"? Helloooooo?
- Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger.
