- Sometimes I just wish I had more asses to tell people to kiss.
- Lord: We're grateful that our families haven't found us on Twitter & that donkeys can't talk. That'd be embarrassing for many of us. Amen.
- Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it f#%#$ you.
- Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.
- Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again.
- Don't you hate it when time travelers from the future want a photo with you but then refuse to say why they're laughing?
- My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
- Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets.
- It's Canada Day Eve, so I have to leave a jar of maple syrup at the window. Otherwise, Céline Dion comes in the night and eats your eyes.
- I would watch a show called "So You Think You Can Dance When You're Drunk.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Snarky Funny Tweets