Assorted Funny Tweets

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1. I'd like to know the series of events leading up to the first guy discovering cows had milk in them
2. My old English teacher has 26 followers on Twitter. Karma's a bitch, sucka.
3. If using multiple adjectives, put them in increasing order of awesomeness: "the blue, Italian, rocket-propelled, monkey-piloted dirtbike."
4. I can't yell "Get a room!" at couples frenching. Instead, I opt for, "Close your curtains!" or, "Make this trellis harder to climb!"
5. My favorite words to use during conference calls: saturated, penetrating, hot button, probing and fellatio.
6. I'm sending a tweet from inside Twitter HQ. I'll bet those hot girls in high school wish they had slept with me now.
7. My wife leaves for girls' night. I go upstairs and put the toilet seat up. Just to remember I can. Then I put it down. I'm not an idiot.
8. If you think writing in the proper tense is difficult now, just wait until time travel was possible.
9. When a friend from out of town says, "I'm coming out." Make sure they're finished with their sentence before you say, "I knew you were gay."
10. A crazy woman tried to chase down my car as I left the mall. Maybe it was the previous owner. She looked a lot like the baby in the backseat
11. I told you officer, I cut the ass out of the gorilla suit because they don't sell baboon costumes....I don't know who crapped on your car.
12. No. I do. I think your baby is adorable. I'm just concerned about what might happen if you get it wet or let it eat after midnight.
13. Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back.
14. Sometimes for laughs, I slip condoms into the carts of little old ladies at the grocery store and then watch for the checker's reaction.
15. When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people.
16. There are very, very few things it's OK to say to someone at the next urinal. "You must take vitamins" is not one of them.
17. Check it out! I'm texting while bicycli%#*