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- Life would probably be easier if I were atleast good at things
- Why do they call it a happy meal if it tastes like a whole lot like depression.
- Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone! I used one to breakup Nickelback! You're welcome!
- All you need is love and Valentine's Day is the perfect time to buy lots of things to prove it.
- I'm being forced to attend a scrap-book party. On the positive side I have always wanted my suicide to be well documented on acid-free paper.
- It's really very simple; I will love you unconditionally as long as you just do everything I say.
- So, who is the genius that thought it would be wise to put the back-pain meds on the bottom shelf at Walmart?
- "Let there be coffee!"... and there was coffee.... And coworkers saw that coffee was good... and drank it all, the bastards!
- I'm shocked by the embarrassing things people e-mail their whole department when they leave their workstation unlocked.
- When playing "Got your nose," make sure the victim is 1) willing to play, 2) that you're not at a urinal and 3) that it's their nose.
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- I'm not falling again for the 5-year-old's "eat some spaghetti" trick. It's always Play-Doh. But this fried egg looks delicious. Oh, damn.
- I have serious ethical problems participating in human cloning experiments.. I just couldn't live with myself.
- Oh, this is my step ladder. My...my real ladder left when I was only 5.
- I'm watching "The Sound of Music" on TV. For those of you who have never seen it, it's a musical adaptation of how boring my life is.
- It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your nephew's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.
- I may be a little off base here, but I don't think the point of those personal breathalyzers is trying to beat your old score.
- I put the "ass" in passive aggressive. But you'd know that if you ever bothered to pay attention.
- I put the "sex" in dylsexic.
- Someday I'll sit down with my grandchildren to watch Airplane and they'll say, "Man, I can't believe they used to let people on planes."
- For years she's fed the kids tales about Santa but after I trick them into eating dog treats, I'm the bad parent for betraying their trust.
- It takes a big man to admit that his little sister outdrank him last night, so what I'm saying is, I'm really manly.
- Playing naked Twister by yourself is no fun...nor was it worth getting oiled up for.
- Today I learned two valuable lessons: 1) Petting an animal can lower your heart rate. 2) That animal should not be a wolverine.
- "Son, getting $100 for Christmas doesn't make you "rich", but if snorting powdered sugar off Barbie's ass makes you feel rich, as you were."
- Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.
- And suddenly it's weird to sit on a stranger's lap and ask for free stuff?
- I hope that one day I will be mature enough to spell extravaganza without giggling after the first 8 letters.
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- Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars
- It's high time we change the name of the Indian Ocean to Native American Ocean.
- "Tiger ready to quit golf to save his marriage" - I'm no therapist but I am pretty sure quitting other women would be even more effective.
- It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more vodka.
- Excuse me Ma'am, would you like me to taze your shrieking child for you?
- I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with body image issues.
- Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing that you're smarter than somebody feels pretty good, too.
- Shoveling would be much more satisfying if the snow could feel it.
- The beauty of this viral campaign will become apparent when one of Tiger's mistresses appears in Playboy with a Nike tattoo on her butt.
- So, this 'One Laptop Per Child' thing. Where do I drop off the child and where do I pick up the laptop?
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- I like my women the same way I like my coffee: Ground up and stored in the freezer. I MEAN HOT AND STRONG OR SOMETHING.
- China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch.
- Miss England has given up her crown after getting into a bar fight. I think this automatically makes her
- Wow, my neighbors get horrible cell reception under their bed
- Obama says he doesn't tweet because his thumbs are too clumsy. Which is a polite way of saying he has a real job.
- We hate what we do not understand. I'm not really sure what that phrase means, but it's stupid!
- I hope Lady Gaga donates her old costumes to homeless shelters. Because that would be hilarious.
- Parenting Tip: The new Twilight movie provides an excellent two-hour window for reading your daughter's journal.
- Marching bands are actually homeless orchestras. Tragic, really.
- A Florida woman gave birth to a baby 9 days early at 9:09 in the morning on 9-9-09. But, get this, 8 lbs. 4 oz. LAME.
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- Now that I know there's water on the moon, your natural spring water from the Swiss Alps bores me.
- Nigeria wants an apology for District 9? Okay, Nigeria, we have a huge apology for you. For transfer, simply wire a small advance fee.
- 14.9 million Americans are now unemployed. That's a lot of new blogs.
- Japan's new first lady says aliens once took her to Venus. I'm just amazed aliens also call it Venus. Boy, we nailed that one.
- I hopped out of bed this morning like Fred Astaire. Or anyone else, really, who has been dead for 20 years.
- Half of the appeal of staying up late is the total absence of morning people.
- A conference call is like a bus ride. I want it to end as quickly as possible, preferably with nobody talking to me.
- With professor Gates off to have a beer with Obama, now would be the perfect time to break into his house.
- I had this really kinky girlfriend once; finally I just had to tell him it was time we started peeing on other people.
- First Rule of Turkey Club: Bacon, lettuce and tomato
