Random Funny Tweets

Tweet

1. I'm not falling again for the 5-year-old's "eat some spaghetti" trick. It's always Play-Doh. But this fried egg looks delicious. Oh, damn.
2. I have serious ethical problems participating in human cloning experiments.. I just couldn't live with myself.
3. Oh, this is my step ladder. My...my real ladder left when I was only 5.
4. I'm watching "The Sound of Music" on TV. For those of you who have never seen it, it's a musical adaptation of how boring my life is.
5. It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your nephew's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.
6. I may be a little off base here, but I don't think the point of those personal breathalyzers is trying to beat your old score.
7. I put the "ass" in passive aggressive. But you'd know that if you ever bothered to pay attention.
8. I put the "sex" in dylsexic.
9. Someday I'll sit down with my grandchildren to watch Airplane and they'll say, "Man, I can't believe they used to let people on planes."
10. For years she's fed the kids tales about Santa but after I trick them into eating dog treats, I'm the bad parent for betraying their trust.
11. It takes a big man to admit that his little sister outdrank him last night, so what I'm saying is, I'm really manly.
12. Playing naked Twister by yourself is no fun...nor was it worth getting oiled up for.
13. Today I learned two valuable lessons: 1) Petting an animal can lower your heart rate. 2) That animal should not be a wolverine.
14. "Son, getting $100 for Christmas doesn't make you "rich", but if snorting powdered sugar off Barbie's ass makes you feel rich, as you were."
15. Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.
16. And suddenly it's weird to sit on a stranger's lap and ask for free stuff?
17. I hope that one day I will be mature enough to spell extravaganza without giggling after the first 8 letters.