- I'm not falling again for the 5-year-old's "eat some spaghetti" trick. It's always Play-Doh. But this fried egg looks delicious. Oh, damn.
- I have serious ethical problems participating in human cloning experiments.. I just couldn't live with myself.
- Oh, this is my step ladder. My...my real ladder left when I was only 5.
- I'm watching "The Sound of Music" on TV. For those of you who have never seen it, it's a musical adaptation of how boring my life is.
- It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your nephew's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.
- I may be a little off base here, but I don't think the point of those personal breathalyzers is trying to beat your old score.
- I put the "ass" in passive aggressive. But you'd know that if you ever bothered to pay attention.
- I put the "sex" in dylsexic.
- Someday I'll sit down with my grandchildren to watch Airplane and they'll say, "Man, I can't believe they used to let people on planes."
- For years she's fed the kids tales about Santa but after I trick them into eating dog treats, I'm the bad parent for betraying their trust.
- It takes a big man to admit that his little sister outdrank him last night, so what I'm saying is, I'm really manly.
- Playing naked Twister by yourself is no fun...nor was it worth getting oiled up for.
- Today I learned two valuable lessons: 1) Petting an animal can lower your heart rate. 2) That animal should not be a wolverine.
- "Son, getting $100 for Christmas doesn't make you "rich", but if snorting powdered sugar off Barbie's ass makes you feel rich, as you were."
- Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.
- And suddenly it's weird to sit on a stranger's lap and ask for free stuff?
- I hope that one day I will be mature enough to spell extravaganza without giggling after the first 8 letters.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Random Funny Tweets