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- Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars
- It's high time we change the name of the Indian Ocean to Native American Ocean.
- "Tiger ready to quit golf to save his marriage" - I'm no therapist but I am pretty sure quitting other women would be even more effective.
- It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more vodka.
- Excuse me Ma'am, would you like me to taze your shrieking child for you?
- I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with body image issues.
- Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing that you're smarter than somebody feels pretty good, too.
- Shoveling would be much more satisfying if the snow could feel it.
- The beauty of this viral campaign will become apparent when one of Tiger's mistresses appears in Playboy with a Nike tattoo on her butt.
- So, this 'One Laptop Per Child' thing. Where do I drop off the child and where do I pick up the laptop?
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- I like my women the same way I like my coffee: Ground up and stored in the freezer. I MEAN HOT AND STRONG OR SOMETHING.
- China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch.
- Miss England has given up her crown after getting into a bar fight. I think this automatically makes her
- Wow, my neighbors get horrible cell reception under their bed
- Obama says he doesn't tweet because his thumbs are too clumsy. Which is a polite way of saying he has a real job.
- We hate what we do not understand. I'm not really sure what that phrase means, but it's stupid!
- I hope Lady Gaga donates her old costumes to homeless shelters. Because that would be hilarious.
- Parenting Tip: The new Twilight movie provides an excellent two-hour window for reading your daughter's journal.
- Marching bands are actually homeless orchestras. Tragic, really.
- A Florida woman gave birth to a baby 9 days early at 9:09 in the morning on 9-9-09. But, get this, 8 lbs. 4 oz. LAME.
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- Now that I know there's water on the moon, your natural spring water from the Swiss Alps bores me.
- Nigeria wants an apology for District 9? Okay, Nigeria, we have a huge apology for you. For transfer, simply wire a small advance fee.
- 14.9 million Americans are now unemployed. That's a lot of new blogs.
- Japan's new first lady says aliens once took her to Venus. I'm just amazed aliens also call it Venus. Boy, we nailed that one.
- I hopped out of bed this morning like Fred Astaire. Or anyone else, really, who has been dead for 20 years.
- Half of the appeal of staying up late is the total absence of morning people.
- A conference call is like a bus ride. I want it to end as quickly as possible, preferably with nobody talking to me.
- With professor Gates off to have a beer with Obama, now would be the perfect time to break into his house.
- I had this really kinky girlfriend once; finally I just had to tell him it was time we started peeing on other people.
- First Rule of Turkey Club: Bacon, lettuce and tomato
