Funny Tweets For Everyone

Jack thinks...

1. ‎"Patience" is what parents have when there are witnesses.
2. A lot of people assume when i laugh while texting someone, it's because what they said is funny. But in most cases, i am laughing at what I said because i'm just that hilarious.
3. A teacher at a school for overweight kids was fired for snorting cocaine. His massive pupils gave him away.
4. According to some magazine, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low... Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when the owner's living in it...
5. After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
6. At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they're imaginary?
7. Banana peel, coffee grains, pizza crust, soda bottles, empty tins, paper plates. Yea, that's right! I'm talking trash!!!!!!!!!!
8. Big Halloween party coming up. It's supposed to be 'Titanic' themed. So I figured i'd dress up as an iceberg and crash the party!!
9. Candyland tastes like cardboard
10. cigarettes are like hampsters. They look harmless until you put them in your mouth and start them on fire!!

End of The World - Rapture - Funny Tweets

Joshua

1. Reporting from the Rapture: Jesus rides a unicorn and farts double rainbows. You guys are gonna freaking LOVE him
2. Remember Ladies, your body is a temple, not a theme park.
3. I bet all the other animals in the animal kingdom hate dogs because they get credit for the most popular sexual position ever!
4. It's Saturday and I'm single. I should be getting pounded and pleasured.
5. I like to think that the rapture did come, but Macho Man Randy Savage was the only one who proved worthy.
6. I just stepped on a Lego piece in bare feet and accidentally won a krumping contest.
7. Good morning. What time does the Rapture start?
8. Kirsten Dunst looked a lot sadder when I ran out of coke at an Oscar party 5 years ago than at the Von Trier press conference at Cannes...
9. If at first you don't succeed, fuck it. What's on TV?
10. Business at Walmart is going to be slow tomorrow. :(
11. Just found out that on the final episode of Oprah, she chops somebody's head off.
12. the world ain't ending son, my yogurt expires in 2013
13. What if Jesus shows up and he's one of those "Stop hitting yourself!!!" guys?
14. Whenever I see a couple walking around holding hands I have this intense urge to go at them with a chainsaw & cut them a part.
15. Watch me jab a Capri Sun straw into your femoral artery on the first try
16. I bet the dinosaurs all died out in the velocirapture.
17. I've been carbo-loading for the last 30 years or so in case I ever need to go on a 5,000 mile run.
18. I bet if you play some records by The Carpenters backwards, you can almost hear Karen saying, "I just threw up in my mouth a little bit".

Funny X-Mas Tweets

Tweet

1. How to ruin the holidays in 3 words: "It's a Zune!"
2. I'm at that "pay exorbitant shipping fees and hope for delivery by Christmas" or "convert to Judaism" fork in the road.
3. Dad loved the holidays. He'd wear a Santa beard as a merkin, smoke some mistletoe, and watch White Christmas over and over in stony silence.
4. Much like your inflatable holiday decorations, I look presentable at night but stay in a crumpled unattractive heap during the day.
5. My wife just gave me the finger. It's not clear to me which of the birds in the Twelve Days of Christmas it was supposed to represent.
6. 'Tis the season to pretend that I know people's names & give a damn about their kids.
7. It sure takes a long time for Alka-Seltzer to dissolve in eggnog.
8. I'm disappointed in you, Santa. Is that how you talk to every grown man who cries on your lap? ...I'm not happy with mall security either.
9. Years later, Rudolph discovered he could shoot lasers out his nose. And that's why we lock up mutant reindeer today
10. But Dad, Don't we usually visit Santa at the mall?" Times are tough son. Now get in the dumpster & sit in his lap, but try not to wake him.
11. Two Christmas cards today. One from my grandma and the other from her cat. Their handwriting is suspiciously similar
12. Admittedly I've never been very good at math, but I'm pretty sure that Walmart + holidays + women in mom jeans stuffed in Ugg boots = Hell.
13. Is their an equivalent to mistletoe except for punching?